Thought to Challenge: "Thinness Is My Path To Happiness"

05/03/18, 9:24pm

This is not a post where I argue that thinness is my/the path to happiness. This is a post about my DBT homework: to write down all the arguments against the statement "thinness is my path to happiness." This is the first installment in the series and it took me a month to write this. Sometimes I just gotta procrastinate :)

Point #1: "Being thin will make me happy."

There are many different factors that impact one's happiness, or lack thereof. Friends, family, pets, school, career, hobbies, social norms and expectations, health, weight (yes, weight). These are all factors. Having one or more of these out of balance, or not in line with our perceived beliefs as to how they should be, can lead to unhappiness. However, we don't necessarily need to "fix" that particular factor in order to achieve happiness. Say a person has abusive parents; most likely it is better for them to cut ties with the parents than to keep trying to create a working relationship. This person can instead turn to friends and their community for support. Similarly, if someone is not satisfied with their weight, changing it may not be the proper solution. There may be an underlying problem that is driving them to want to lose weight, namely a lack of self-esteem. Here the "goal" of weight loss is made in what DBT calls Emotion Mind. Emotions such as shame, guilt, jealously, anger, and sadness are pushing the weight loss goal as the one true solution – a solution that is impulsive, compulsive, and made when one is most vulnerable. This doesn't mean that all weight loss goals are governed by a lack of self-esteem. If one make a goal to lose five or ten pounds with their clearest intuitive mind (and they're not expecting this weight loss to lead to some emotional or life change), then this is a goal that is not made with Emotion Mind and will not overtake the life of the individual. What I'm basically trying to convey is that there are many aspects that affect our happiness, and focusing on only one aspect and ignoring the others can lead us astray. One needs to think about why being thin would make them happy. Once you meet your weight loss goal, are you still going to be unsatisfied and not any happier? Are you going to keep making lower and lower goals in the hopes that happiness will at some point come along? Are you avoiding addressing other issues?

Point #2: "But I am happier with my body since I lost weight."

I'd be lying if I said that I wasn't happier with my body after losing weight. I don't feel as self-conscious while wearing skirts, dresses, and pants. I don't feel ashamed while wearing a swimsuit (though I am a bit self-conscious still). However, my great wish is to keep losing weight and my great fear is gaining weight – any weight. My wish and my fear are now at odds because I am being asked to gain weight by my psychiatrist and I am full of anxiety, not happiness. I read in a Psychology Today article once that the people who are happiest fill their lives with everyday pleasurable activities and events. Not only this, but they believe that they have to power to create happy events in their lives and then they go out and actually do it. So happiness is taking your dog for a walk and treating yourself to a cappuccino and reading a good book. Happiness is doing little things to brighten your day – and being mindful during these activities. Ultimately happiness is accepting yourself, not hating yourself and punishing yourself. I need to think to myself, "Do I want happier or happiness?"

Point #3: "But weight loss and thinness are easy ways to happiness."

Having an eating disorder is not an easy way to happiness. It's lonely and tiring and anxiety-ridden. Food thoughts (planning what to eat, planning how to avoid eating, counting calories) take up most of my day. Sometimes what's "easy" is really just habit and we do it because we know we'll get certain results, like a depressed person who will tell friends and family about how miserable they feel and then withdraw in order to garner sympathy and concern. The depressed person is not helping themselves in the long run but they are getting something they want – sympathy and concern – in the short term (I can attest to this because I used to do this exactly). There are other fairly easy ways to achieve some level of happiness. One of those is volunteering. It gives a person a sense of fulfillment and purpose and community. It shows them that the world is bigger than themselves. Through volunteering, happiness isn't tied to just the physical body; it is tied to skills, abilities, commitment, and activities. It is a more abstract and rewarding form of happiness than weight loss and thinness. Plus there's a limit to the "happiness" one can achieve through weight loss. Eventually you might even up in a treatment facility or the hospital. Many people go in and out, in and out of treatment, spending a large portion of their lives battling eating disorders. Do I want to spend my 20s in treatment while everyone else my age is getting a job or going to graduate school or traveling or creating a family? No, no I don't. I truly want to enjoy life and to not be in debt because of medical bills (eating disorder treatment is EXPENSIVE). I want to do something in my life that matters and that positively impacts other people. I don't want to focus on myself and my body for the rest of my life.

Point #4: "I want people to be jealous of me. I feel happy when people are jealous of how I look."

I get such a huge kick out of imagining that other people are jealous of my body. Jesus Christ. Most people are probably just minding their own business. I am not the center of everyone's universe. Though I want people to be jealous of how I look, I think the real problem is that I'm jealous of how others look and I don't accept myself. Whenever I see a skinny girl in public, I get so anxious and panicky and depressed. I think about how fat I am in comparison to her and about how I'll never look like her. I feel like she's rubbing her thinness in my face, like she's teasing me. I think about how her life must be better than mine. I feel vindictive and wish weight gain and ugliness upon her. I wish that the Starbucks drink she ordered, which is clearly not just an iced tea or black coffee, will make her gain ten pounds. No one is allowed to be skinnier than me! I make plans to fast, and I feel miserable for hours after the "sighting." I need to work on accepting (and maybe even loving) myself and to not worry about other people. Upon arriving at *** University, I had to come to terms with not being the best student in my class. It was difficult and painful – I had to get a few C's and D's and get off my high horse. Even though I learned that I can't excel at everything, it didn't break me down or keep me from trying my best. Similarly, I need to come to terms with the fact that I can't always be the skinniest person in the room. Some people are just genetically skinny and petite, and I need to turn my focus away from them and stop letting other bodies control my thoughts.