Thought to Challenge: "If I Go Back to My Starting Weight..."

05/28/18, 11:15pm

The next installment in my DBT homework series! The thought to challenge: "If I go back to my starting weight, my life would be a catastrophe."

Point #1: "I'll hate myself even more than I do now."

Even though I am critical of my body now, I like it better at this point than I did a year ago. I am extremely worried that if I go back to my starting weight I'll hate myself even more, start self-harming again, and start fixating on suicidal ideations again. However, perhaps these three things aren't all tied directly to my weight. Perhaps they are more closely tied to my self-esteem and self-perception and prolonged anxiety. The path to recovery involves finding and holding onto self-acceptance and self-love, so there's a good chance that I would at least have a foundation for these skills before I ever reach my starting weight (if I ever do). Thus self-acceptance and self-love would take precedence over self-hate, self-harm, and suicidal ideation. Besides, people tend to hate themselves when they think there's something wrong with themselves and that they need fixing, which is what I used to think and what I currently think. Once I really build mastery of self-acceptance, I'll be less likely to hate myself and harbor all the negative things that come with this feeling.

Point #2: "I'll feel like a failure."

I reinforce the idea that I'll be a failure if I go back to my starting weight by making continuous, never-ending weight loss my ultimate goal, the thing that I put most of my time into. There's only so much effort/mastery I can put into appearance and aesthetics before it becomes dangerous and possibly irreversible. There's a ceiling (or rather, a floor) to weight loss before you have to be admitted to the hospital and force fed. Gaining weight wouldn't make me a failure because finding self-acceptance should be my goal, not perpetual weight loss. And self-acceptance is weight-neutral, so it shouldn't matter whether I'm gaining or losing. The only failure would be to let self-hate overpower me. In a blog post for Eating Disorder Hope, Jacquelyn Ekern, MS, LPC, states that self-acceptance (accepting ourselves as-is) does not mean throwing in the towel toward achieving goals. Rather it is knowing that "my worth is not contingent on my appearance, achievements or approval from others" and that "I can live with and accept my ups and downs in life without wavering in the love, respect and compassion I provide to myself." Deborah Khoshaba, PsyD, notes in a post for the National Eating Disorders Association that self-love flourishes when we turn away from something satisfying yet destructive, such as leaving behind "diet meals" for something nourishing or doing moderate exercise instead of pushing yourself excessively. Long story short, gaining weight isn't a sign of failure, but self-acceptance and self-love are signs of success.

Point #3: "If I can't do something simple like lose weight and keep it off, how can I do more complicated things like find a job or do schoolwork?"

I would argue that losing weight and keeping it off are not simple feats. They are very time-consuming and require a lot of planning. They require entire lifestyle changes. There's a whole complex industry built around weight loss and appearance. In Brumberg's Fasting Girls, a woman who wrote a popular diet book in the early 1900s noted in it that even though she had lost weight she still had to put considerable energy into maintaining it and mentioned that she will always need to count calories. Many people, mainly women, get stuck in a cycle of dieting and gaining/losing weight (fluctuating weight). So no, losing and maintaining weight are not simple like tying a shoe or making pasta. Plus when you're entirely preoccupied with weight loss, it's difficult to do "more complicated things" like schoolwork or finding a job. Your attention and time can only be spread so thin. If you're restrictive dieting, or have an eating disorder, your brain is probably not getting enough nourishment, making it difficult to do tasks that require lots of cognitive stamina. If you have disordered eating or an eating disorder, you're probably also suffering with some emotional and psychological problems, like anxiety, depression, OCD, a personality disorder, or feelings of worthlessness or low self-esteem, which occupy a considerable amount of your time. Weight loss then goes along with these issues and, all in all, it's a lot to handle. It's pretty complicated. If the weight loss or purging become severe enough, a family member could get guardianship or conservatorship over you and then decisions and finances are out of your hands. This is not a simple situation. Then you (I) certainly wouldn't be in a place to find a job or complete schoolwork.

Point #4: "People would stop complimenting me."

I've noticed that now my mom compliments me a lot on my physique, saying, "Everything looks good on you," or remarking on how skinny I am. While I do appreciate these remarks to some extent, I honestly don't want her to notice. I don't want people who are close to me to notice and possibly worry. I just want strangers to notice and to be in awe. This worry that people would stop complimenting me if I gain weight is rather unfounded because I've been complimented when I was 135 lbs and while I am 106 lbs. And I've rarely been complimented on my physique by another other than my mom. Usually people will compliment me on my outfits or earrings or eyes, not my weight. Perhaps subconsciously I want my mom to tell me I'm skinny to make up for when she indirectly told me I was fat and to make up for all the years she's lived with a very skinny son and a very average-sized daughter.

Point #5: "People would judge/laugh at/berate me for how fat I am."

When I was 135 lbs the only person who was judging and berating me was myself. But I was always worried that others were doing the same behind my back or in their thoughts. And I worry that they do the same now. Most likely people are not judging me, laughing at me, or berating me for my appearance. Most likely people are minding their own business and not even thinking about me. It is probably just I who overanalyzes every situation. People laugh for hundreds of different reasons and skinny people don't exist to tease me. Besides I've seen plenty of people larger than I being accepted and having fun with their friends and significant others. And if someone were to judge, laugh at, or berate me for my size, they probably have very little self-esteem and self-confidence themselves and therefore feel the need to put down others. This kind of person is not worth thinking over or crying about.