The Dialetics of Eating and Disorder

06/05/18, 5:52pm

TW: Calorie intake and purging mentioned

This is a poem I wrote about my eating disorder experience. It's a first draft; I haven't revised it at all and I'm not sure if I want to tweek it or improve it. I wrote this just to get my thoughts out rather than to be genuinely poetic. I was at a Starbucks a few days ago and just felt this intense need to write down my feelings. So here it is:

The Dialetics of Eating and Disorder

There's nothing wrong with me!

In fact, I've gotten fatter.

(Oh, how I wish my tummy were flatter!

Flatter and flatter, 'til it bends in on itself,

flatter and flatter, 'til it reaches my spine!)

Really, I'm fine.

I'm sure of it.

I haven't purged in two days, I must be better!

I've got it under control.

As long as I keep it under 1,200 calories, I'll be safe.

Standing up from a chair,

Dizzy.

Waking up in the morning,

Hungry.

Going to sleep at night,

Relieved that I made it through the day.

That's why I'm the diet waif.

Not an hour goes by that I don't think about food.

How to avoid it, how to prepare it, how it shapes my nude

Body.

Never have I been comfortable in my own body.

Thin makes it easier to like what I see.

I'm terrified of gaining weight.

I'd rather die over and over,

I'd rather let my self-hate win.

I'm stubborn to change.

I'm mean and unwilling.

I told you I'm fine!

Don't test me or I won't be eating at all.

I'm in control here.

The dialetics of eating and disorder:

if I don't overtly punish my body for a couple of days in a row,

am I all better?

Am I cured?

Am I me?