Gaining

03/25/18, 5:36 pm

I wrote this while I was very stressed out and distressed at a cafe:

I am so terrified of getting fat(ter). I want to cry about it but crying is weak. I am legitimately so fat and it's so upsetting. Some girls and boys are naturally so fucking skinny. I hate them. They can go to hell. My psychiatrist and therapist want me to get a dietitian and gain weight (ten pounds!). I'm petrified. I can barely keep food down now. And I don't want to gain weight. I need to lose weight. I feel so helpless all the time. Seeing others eat is so distressing. Reading about ED struggles makes me competitive. I wish I had a scale that worked. I feel so dizzy so often. My brain is foggy. I try so hard to not be moody. I'm fat. I'm fat. I'm fat. All these skinny people are teasing me. I can't take it. I need to watch what I eat. I wonder if my dad would be proud of me if he met me. Even if he wasn't, at least he wouldn't have a fat daughter.