A Checklist

05/22/18, 6:10pm

TW: purging

About a day ago I had these awful urges to binge and purge. I ended up consuming a couple teaspoons of peanut butter, about 16 Triscuit crackers, and nearly an ENTIRE bag of quinoa chips. I felt so so full afterwards that I physically "needed" to vomit, which was my intention all along. Upon looking back on the situation I realized that when I eat a meal but feel neither full nor hungry afterwards, I get confused and anxious. I can accept (and even embrace) feeling hungry, and when I feel full I tend to purge. But when I'm somewhere in the middle I don't know what to do. I think this is partly why I chose to eat/binge until I got uncomfortably full – because then I know I can purge and feel hungry, a state that I'm familiar with. Why not just purge out my dinner in order to feel hungry? I feel guilty and wasteful for binging and purging on food in the first place, so when I purge a meal that I had designated for myself I feel doubly guilty and shameful.

Also, side note: I know many people probably wouldn't consider the amount of calories that I eat to be a "binge" but I'm not sure what else to call it. And I typically eat between 300 to 450 calories in one sitting so any more than that feels like a binge. Plus if I eat something that I hadn't planned on (hadn't fit into my meal schedule) I consider this to be a binge, not matter how small – like even a few teaspoons of powdered peanut butter.

I hate "binging" and purging and I really want to stop. So I'm putting my foot down. I've created a checklist of all the things I need to do before binging and purging. The rule: I must do ALL of the things in any order and check them off before binging and purging. The list is extensive but not complete. Maybe it'll give some inspiration to others to create their own lists and hopefully prevent b/p. My goal is to look at this list after every meal, which is usually when I feel the urge.